why i do not write as often anymore

/ Tuesday, 16 January 2018 /
I know it is not a 'new year' anymore but this is my first post in 2018, or my first post after forever. I have so many things to tell here, actually. However, my head has been telling me that there is no point because I will be writing the same clueless emotional stuff again and again. I do not want to annoy people with my mood-swings that I cannot help. At one point, I want people to read what I write but at another, I am afraid of judgments. 
I keep on reminding myself that people can choose whether they want to read or not.

I can blame my mental issues that ever got out of control for many times in 2017. But maybe I am just lazy, or am I just that busy? I am trying to evaluate the reasons why I do not have that much of interest of doing something that I loved. I loved writing and I wonder if I still do. Right now, I have not found anything that really sparks my mind besides travelling. Unfortunately, I live with strict parents so to travel always take so much more efforts and I had hard time saving due to 'danusan' and some unexpected expenditures. 

A lot of people have been telling me that I should write again. It also makes me kind of insecure, what if it is not as good as it used be? What if it is not as positive as it used to be? What if it is nothing new? What if it is something that you had seen a couple of times in my snapgram and it bores you out? 

I remember wanting to write just because I want to be happy. Things change, because honestly, sometimes I feel like writing to please or to impress people and I understand that it should not be about that. 

I don't even read articles as much as I used to. I mean, even though I used to read some "cancerous" articles like; this is why you should date a girl who wears clock on her neck (jk), or like, 10 signs that your man will be your forever man. It is not that bad, it is interesting to read how there are people could think in such a way. However, I used to let it affect me so much that I would go through my days thinking if I was just more date-able just because of certain small things. 

my travel book
You probably already know that I was an exchange student. I really expected that I would write sooo much, but I did not. I really wish that I could remember more of how it feels like meeting those people for the first time or what I thought about the night market or how I prejudiced I was or why I didnt bring any pillow for a world pillow fight or how much I miss my family and friends or when I lost contact with my bestfriend for the first time or how crazy the party was. However, I still went home with checked bucket lists and people writing on my books. I really wish that I will get all the places and all the things checked before I die, then maybe, I will write about that. The crazy thing about the book is that I have my host family's pugs's hair inside it that some people freak out that I will bring it inside the mosque or something. Well, I am not sure about this honestly because the hair only contacts with the book, not the mosque directly just like when the girl is on my period and that if they feel that their pads or something else is secure enough, it is fine. But honestly, tell me more about this if you know something.

When I got back from Finland, this is when it all got crazy and I did not even think about writing anything for so many reasons even though I actually have sooo much to tell. It is too crazy and messy.

The feeling of wanting to write emerge again when I got into medical school. I remember having this task about writing our struggle to get into that school and post it into our blog, it makes me feel good. And I realize that I am surrounded by people who truly want to know me that they pass by my blog and read something and talk to me about it because really, it has been a long time after the 'Dear Indonesian Youths,' post. 

I have decided that my life will not get any less crazy and I will get busier, but I have decided that I will allocate some little, even very little, for me to write. For the reasons that writing is a kind of therapeutic for me, I need to learn to write grammatically again (coz it's been shit), and I just want more to remember (with the risk of cringing). Most likely, I will not do it regularly but I hope often enough for me to be able to look back and remember the most significant things that had ever happened in my life.

Anyway, I think that's it of me writing about why i do not write.

Dear Indonesian Youths - A Speech Video

/ Saturday, 11 November 2017 /

So basically, I made this video because a friend asked me to do it for her homework. I remember I just got back from 12 miles of cross-country skiing and I was sitting on half a meter of snow still with my skiing shoes and my warm pants. It was somewhere around -16C to -22C. 
Probably some of you have seen the footage on my snapgram or snapchat and I get some feedback from some people telling me to upload it. However, since I am not used to talking camera, seeing and hearing my own voice feels so strange. Forgive me for my grammar and my frozen tongue.

19 things I learnt by 19 and 20 wishes to start 20

/ /
19 things I learnt by 19
  1. Life will not be getting easier and many things are not the way I expected, but it is all still worth living because unexpected beautiful things also come along eventually.
  2. It is okay to trust people once in a while, you do not have to keep everything by yourself because apparently, there are people who do listen and care about you.
  3. Yes, getting yourself some space from people help your mental state but you cannot just stay inside the comfort zone all the time. It is hard but once you feel like you get over your anxiety of talking to people, even for five minutes, you will feel proud and it is a great feeling.
  4. You do not really love someone until you have seen that person at their worst state or put you in troubles, yet you still do not want to miss a day without them. 
  5. Having big circle of connection is fantastic but having small circle yet stronger one is much more crucial for my well-being.
  6. Things do not change, it is either we change it or simply we are the ones who change. We see things not as they are, but as we are. 
  7. Pay more attention to people, some people may need your hand or your shoulder no matter how bright they are. 
  8. Tough time don't last, tough people do.
  9. Travelling costs you more than money, it costs you friendships that can not always be 24/7 reachable. And the feelings of missing people is the most expensive thing to afford. At the same time, travelling also challenges your perspective about the world and offers you incredible things beyond your imagination
  10. Home is not always a place, sometimes, it is just loving arms that have been waiting for you.
  11. Take care of yourself, from the inside and from the outside, not for the sake of wanting to impress people but for the sake of your well-being. 
  12. Have ambition and do not be ashamed of it. Strive to be the best of yourself, not to compete but to keep on pushing your limitation.
  13. I am a free being and I have the right to decide what is best for me. I will do what I need to do, what I find will be useful for me and I have the right to say 'no' then take some time for myself. I do not want to be scared of the people who try to put me in places I do not want just because they think it is best for me. 
  14. Being alone in the crowd is not always a bad thing. As long as you are not harming or hurting anyone, it should be fine and people's opinions do not matter as much as your own comfort.
  15. Do not stress too much. Even with limited time, you still can give your best if you are confident and find joy in doing whatever you are doing instead of stressing about it.
  16. Cleaning and cooking are some ways of my stress-coping mechanism.
  17. Do not regret things because there is no point in regretting things that cannot be fixed. Be the person who wants to find a solution and committing not to make the same mistake.
  18. I am blessed and the blessings are beyond my imagination. It is so easy to forget these blessings when hard times occur, but if I just simply look at where I am, what I am doing, and the opportunities I have, maybe I will be reminded again.
  19. I am nothing without the people who have supported me, as well as the people who have not. 
20 wishes to start 20
  1. To be able to see the sunrise every morning and remember all the blessings God has given me.
  2. To not be afraid of making mistakes and taking risks, doing what I want to do and being what I want to be.
  3. To have the ability of being mindful in whatever I am doing
  4. To be grateful with what I already have; family and friends.
  5. To have deeper connection with my current friends.
  6. To have courage to say what I want to say and to stand up for people in needs.
  7. To be able to move on from the past and create better future
  8. To be able to travel again, maybe, with people or just a person I love. If not, please let me see those people I love, who live on the other side of the world.
  9. To do more new crazy things and create great stories
  10. To thank people more, even just for their simplest kindness such as a smile or a good conversation
  11. For the people I love and I care about, I wish for them happiness and strength in their lives. I hope they know that they are loved and that they deserve all the best in the world
  12. I wish to see more love and peace in the world
  13. To be able to cook more good foods and share it with people
  14. To have broader mind and loving soul
  15. To not be afraid of responsibility
  16. To live healthily
  17. For my family to be intact even when distance is separating each of us
  18. To have strength facing medical school and to always remember my true purpose of becoming a doctor
  19. To have something more to share to people
  20. To be happy
Depok, 10 Nov 2017


My Greatest Enemy

/ Monday, 9 October 2017 /
So hey, how are you people? I don't know if anyone reads this but here I am sharing a little piece of what I am feeling about being in medical school, or actually medical faculty (but it sounds less LEGIT). And it is midnight and my body has been wasting so much energy of all the activities I did today in STUNICA day and I have so damn many things to do, but I am feeling so mixed up and trying to calm myself down, so I decide to write. Gentle warning that this is just me ranting and talking about simple things.

I just want to upload this for no reason,
Just a good reminder for happiness that happened once in a while
A couple of weeks I have been depressed for the reasons that I couldn't do anything right, like seriously, I was devastated and disappointed so terribly at myself. I keep being angry and hating myself and looking at the situation I was in, I would say that I am overreacting but that was how I honestly feel about myself. I keep on forgetting deadlines, forgetting doing open recruitment registrations, forgetting to do the things I have to do. I keep on delaying my work and all. I am assuming that it maybe because some times I am still in delusional state, still trying to confirming the fact that I made it to here. I am honestly so overwhelmed with how I still cannot adapt well enough like normal people who just make good friends at one time even though this is my third year in a row of me moving to new place. 

I hated myself so much to the point that I want to harm myself. I started to understand that the greatest enemy I ever encounter throughout my life, has been sharing the same skin, the same face as me. I have been really holding myself back to do the things that I have always wanted to do; anxiety has tied my feet together, self-doubt shuts my mouth, depression tied my hands, and confusion shuts my eyes. They are not born from this place, I have been carrying them since I was 13 and I think.. they just got back from holiday.. that's why they have so much energy to do their fucking job [This is a joke if you don't understand btw].

This happens. While I am telling myself that I am just overreacting since I understand that a lot of people have it a lot worse than me, I also understand that it does not make my feelings any less real. Some times, I wish someone would tell me that; that what I feel is not only because I am anxious and I can forget about it because I cannot. I slowed in speech and I am slow at thinking. I could not make any decision until I 

I then decided to reach for someone, for the first time, in a long time, I reached for someone. She wasagain, the hard way, that I cannot solve everything on my own, I need someone and it's hard for me to admit that because I never feel like I need anyone in my life. Yes, I can be very selfish in solving problems, and I am so sorry because I don't remember how it feels like to have someone to stick to. 
Your greatest enemy, sometimes, lives under your skin too.
just so nice and my gut tells me that I can trust her. Slowly, I started to feel better and I am so grateful that she gives me the chance to share how I feel. Honestly, I cannot imagine how far I could have gone if I had not reached for her. I have learned

I am trying so hard to build myself piece by piece while also losing myself piece by piece every single day. I ended up just feel like running around trying to find the pieces I need and just put them clumsily altogether, try to stitch them and be okay with it.

Fear has became my greatest enemy's best friend that visits once in a while, reminding me that I have chance to fail. It is haunting me, every single night.

Despite it all, I have told myself that I want to succeed. I want to go through this year, like the previous three years. I keep reminding myself that I actually can and the enemies only comes because I open the door for them. I keep finding traces of who I was and well, it can be quite sad sometimes remembering that I am just a small town girl growing up with so limited things to do and to be but hey, I later went on an adventure and it nourishes me. I am reminding myself that where I come from does not matter, what matters is where I choose to go from there.

Depok,October 9 2017
Lots of love, 

Meuthia Faralita Annisa
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