depression feels as uneasy as it can get. you can be the brightest, smartest, prettiest, funniest person in the room, yet will still feel that misery slowly eating you away no matter how hard you try to fight it. i always tell myself that it is gonna get better, that everything will be okay and that there is nothing wrong going on in my life. I know that life happens and not everything will go the way we want things to be but the uneasiness, the uncomfortable feeling of unworthiness, despair just won't go away. i haven't slept in the past three days, all awake - just spending the evenings telling myself that this is gonna get better. it's like God keep pushing my limit to see just how much more i can take. it is like being forced to sit and have your eyes wide open to watch all the parts in your life that isn't right and you have to nitpick everything that defies perfection and you have to list all the reasons why all the days you were made to feel so unloved, so rejected, had to happen. it is trying to convince me that i am gonna end up all alone in this life. and I know that it's gonna be like that, isn't it? i know that i'm very hard to love but i am not that bad of a person, am I?
i want to love every second of my life but it honestly has been very hard. i think i understand now that the people who did kill themselves, must have not find it easy decision. it is very hard yet somehow they're driven to do it. it feels like you are watching yourself to be a ticking bomb that does not want to explode at all. i just know that at this moment all i have to do is to protect myself from my own thoughts and it is my biggest fear if i fail.
but if anything does happen (which i wholeheartedly pray to never happen), i want people to know that it is nobody's fault. i've been given all forms of support - more than i could ever ask for. i've felt so much love and warmth and acceptance. i am not sure if there is anything else that i deserve that i don't have. and i know that it's not my fault either that i am feeling this way. and i know that i there is no duty to be good enough for everyone.
