i wanna be pretty

sometimes i wonder if one of those instagram interviewers stop me and ask "how would you rate yourself?" what should i answer?

should i answer "yasss 10!" and just walk away because you gotta fake being confident until you make it right?

but if i were being honest i'd say "2/10, 3 max, on a good day, sometimes also 1/10". not because i am not confident or i hate myself, i just know that in nowadays standard of beauty, im nowhere near. im not endowed, not genetically blessed to appear as "a woman", i don't have the smile of sydney sweeney nor the gaze of adriana lima. my skin full of bug bites, razor mark and my eyes are tired from the screen hours. my hair is thinning and im not as skinny as i used to be. 

and sometimes i wonder if life would be easier if i were prettier, i always think that it would, of course. maybe theyd like me more, maybe they'd fight for my love, maybe they'd treat me better.

don't get me wrong, i do love myself and i don't think im hideous - i just know where i objectively stand amongst all these gorgeous women in the world.

if i were ever be born again, i'd beg God to make me beautiful in my next life.

the dream i've let go of

 when i was a little girl, i used to think that i'll get married and have a beautiful little family to myself. but the older i get the more i realise maybe im not meant for that - i don't feel like i'm meant for love and it's okay. i do envy those people who get to hold hands in shopping mall while pushing a baby stroller. they'd get ice cream and show the very well-dressed baby the fish pond by the shopping mall. but i am also very happy for them, and i congratulate them silently and wish them the best.

i've given up on love - i know it exists but it's not for me. everything with love feels so hollow and empty. it's only a matter of time until they realise that there is someone so much better than me whom are more worthy of loving and have more to give. it's not a bad thing - it is just what it is. im not made for love and i don't think there is love out there that is made for me. i am my own love.