Not in an antisocial way, but just simply, there is no one I can whinge to, not without feeling like they see me as someone weak or stupid or mellow or melancholic, though I know I can be all of those things simultaneously. How do you tell someone that all you need is a pat on the back and then them checking on you again once in a while?
But I know everybody's busy and they have their own things too, and to be fair, I haven't been such a good friend either. I don't have a fair excuse either. I honestly just feel like I've had enough of typing on my phone. It used to be more fun when it was Yahoo! Messenger. Now WhatsApp is just full of people contacting me from work, sending me promotions on houses I cannot afford, gym membership offers, etc. It's too much, overloaded. But again, I just know that these aren't excuses to be a bad friend.
Also, the thing is, I know I cannot be the only one walking around with such heavy, very heavy hearts. I feel like I want to scream on top of my lungs that life sucks. It sucks a lot, and I am tired of pretending that I am this optimistic patient and cheerful all-around person. I know shits do go downhill once in a while, I might get sued at work, inflation keeps happening, and the money I've saved would mean nothing in the next few years. Investment gets riskier in this current political climate. Most times, I just put my hand on my chest, and I just carry on, hoping I won't ever put myself in debt and that I trust my finance mentor. I don't think I'd know what to do if (*knocks wood*) this plan I am setting up fails.
My parents are getting older, and they think doing health check-ups is too bothersome. I know they hide things about how they currently feel about their body. I wish I had the money to give them what I could give my rich patients. I wish my dad did not have to go overseas anymore, and that the house could be paid off, and nothing else would break. I wish my mum and my sister had something simpler to do, anything less government-related, because most of the government are twats anyway. They all deserve better, and I wish I could give them that "better". I also am too scared of losing any of them because really, I have no one.
I still have so much ahead of me, sometimes, I think that it is too much. I still have school for another 8 years. If I am stuck in this country, that's 8 years of tuition and unpaid labour disguised in the form of "student-training". Leaving the country isn't promising either; the NHS is a mess, I would die under Middle-East heat, not rich enough to afford moving to the US or afford Australian examination, and I am not fluent enough in languages other than English and Indonesian.
I will get through those phases, somehow.
But worst of the worst, it's the feeling of constant inadequacy and worthlessness in general. Especially, just especially, keep on being reminded that even I cannot be loved, not worth an extra thought of flowers. Even when I was supposed to be important, I was still not worth any flowers- the fresh ones out of Tesco. I did too much and not enough at the same time. It's worse than all the other shitshows that have been going on because this also has the element of embarrassment in it. I really wish I were worth something special.
Also, I wanna be pretty.
I know being prettier wouldn't change anything, but maybe it'd make it feel like, at least there was something good about me. But pretty also requires money (in my case), yet that money must go somewhere else to save all the other things that also need saving. Maybe, also, I will be able finally afford a nice therapy without time limits and not during office hours.
My dream right now is not neurosurgery, it's not skiing in Lapland anymore, it's not a happy, beautiful family of my own, it's just being in someone's embrace, with my back being patted for so long, and I could cry as long as I can, and I'd fall asleep. I'd fall asleep so peacefully, and the next morning, I just knew that I'd be able to go on again. My heart would feel light again.
But again, there's no one for me. No one at all, no one to pat my back, no one even to whinge to.
...
I really cannot wait until there is someone (I hope there will be, lol). He'll give me those long pats in the back, and he'll appreciate my love for him, and he'll love me even more than I love him. I will feel safe around him, not anxious, not unsure. I will love loving him. I'll get through all my days just fine, no matter how much of a comedic tragedy those days will be.
But will that day ever come?
