i wanna be pretty

sometimes i wonder if one of those instagram interviewers stop me and ask "how would you rate yourself?" what should i answer?

should i answer "yasss 10!" and just walk away because you gotta fake being confident until you make it right?

but if i were being honest i'd say "2/10, 3 max, on a good day, sometimes also 1/10". not because i am not confident or i hate myself, i just know that in nowadays standard of beauty, im nowhere near. im not endowed, not genetically blessed to appear as "a woman", i don't have the smile of sydney sweeney nor the gaze of adriana lima. my skin full of bug bites, razor mark and my eyes are tired from the screen hours. my hair is thinning and im not as skinny as i used to be. 

and sometimes i wonder if life would be easier if i were prettier, i always think that it would, of course. maybe theyd like me more, maybe they'd fight for my love, maybe they'd treat me better.

don't get me wrong, i do love myself and i don't think im hideous - i just know where i objectively stand amongst all these gorgeous women in the world.

if i were ever be born again, i'd beg God to make me beautiful in my next life.

the dream i've let go of

 when i was a little girl, i used to think that i'll get married and have a beautiful little family to myself. but the older i get the more i realise maybe im not meant for that - i don't feel like i'm meant for love and it's okay. i do envy those people who get to hold hands in shopping mall while pushing a baby stroller. they'd get ice cream and show the very well-dressed baby the fish pond by the shopping mall. but i am also very happy for them, and i congratulate them silently and wish them the best.

i've given up on love - i know it exists but it's not for me. everything with love feels so hollow and empty. it's only a matter of time until they realise that there is someone so much better than me whom are more worthy of loving and have more to give. it's not a bad thing - it is just what it is. im not made for love and i don't think there is love out there that is made for me. i am my own love.

when you stop loving someone

 when you stop loving someone, there is that strange intangible feeling that occupies the space in your heart and your head. big part of it is just indifference, and other parts are a mix of longing for a piece of yourself that was lost along the way and the idea of that person you loved, and feeling of hopelessness that you will still ever love the same again. at the same time, everything that you experienced no longer feel so real and the memories you had with them felt like memories you heard that belong to someone else - like an old friend that you haven't heard in a while. the infatuation you experienced felt so stupid and immature. even the part of you that insisted to wait for them to come back just evaporated to thin air. maybe the love was never real - i just made them all up in my head when i was young and desperate for attention and validation. there is that feeling of defeat instead of pain knowing that the there is nothing left to fight for. but there is also that slight relief knowing that i will no longer be hurt.

how depression feels

 depression feels as uneasy as it can get. you can be the brightest, smartest, prettiest, funniest person in the room, yet will still feel that misery slowly eating you away no matter how hard you try to fight it. i always tell myself that it is gonna get better, that everything will be okay and that there is nothing wrong going on in my life. I know that life happens and not everything will go the way we want things to be but the uneasiness, the uncomfortable feeling of unworthiness, despair just won't go away. i haven't slept in the past three days, all awake - just spending the evenings telling myself that this is gonna get better. it's like God keep pushing my limit to see just how much more i can take. it is like being forced to sit and have your eyes wide open to watch all the parts in your life that isn't right and you have to nitpick everything that defies perfection and you have to list all the reasons why all the days you were made to feel so unloved, so rejected, had to happen. it is trying to convince me that i am gonna end up all alone in this life. and I know that it's gonna be like that, isn't it? i know that i'm very hard to love but i am not that bad of a person, am I?

i want to love every second of my life but it honestly has been very hard. i think i understand now that the people who did kill themselves, must have not find it easy decision. it is very hard yet somehow they're driven to do it. it feels like you are watching yourself to be a ticking bomb that does not want to explode at all. i just know that at this moment all i have to do is to protect myself from my own thoughts and it is my biggest fear if i fail. 

but if anything does happen (which i wholeheartedly pray to never happen), i want people to know that it is nobody's fault. i've been given all forms of support - more than i could ever ask for. i've felt so much love and warmth and acceptance. i am not sure if there is anything else that i deserve that i don't have. and i know that it's not my fault either that i am feeling this way. and i know that i there is no duty to be good enough for everyone.